Geek Personality Archetypes

*Disclaimer* This is a piece I've been working on for a while, and I don't think it's exactly right just yet. Suggestions for changes or expansions are appreciated.

I am a geek. I have been a geek all my life. I have gone to comic book conventions, played tabletop roleplaying games, worked at the Renaissance Festival, been involved with historical recreation groups, played in LARP games, and more. Nearly every person I know, and certainly all of the people I see regularly, are also geeks. Having spent the majority of my life associating with these fascinating creatures, I have realized several things. First off, a good geek is hard to find. Many people who share your interests don't share other things, like your ability to match your clothing, or your personal hygiene habits. Secondly, many geeks aren't very good at socializing with other humans. Having met hundreds, potentially thousands of geeks in my life, certain patterns have become apparent. I call these the Geek Personality Archetypes. Knowing what to look for will help you to avoid being stuck in a 4-hour conversation with someone you'd rather not talk to at all. It can also help you to find people who don't exhibit any of these traits and would probably make a good long-term friend.

Now before all my geek friends get up in arms about this, keep in mind that I tend not to associate with the geeks who exhibit these personalities, and that if you are my friend you are a happy exception to the following descriptions. I will freely admit that I have been almost every one of these types at some point in my life, and have managed to work past these problems over the years. If you know someone who fits one or more of these categories, there is certainly hope for them, but they have to recognize the problem and be willing to change. Also, please realize that I am not saying that the people who exhibit these traits are bad people. They are probably very good people. Geeks are, with rare exceptions, kind, sensitive, and loving. All of the best people I've known in my life are geeks. I am only saying that you may not wish to spend the next party sitting next to one of the geeks who fits into one of the following categories.

You will notice that I mention that these behaviors are almost always motivated by a desire for attention. Insecurity is the single most common motivating factor when it comes to archetypal behavior. Most geeks grow up awkward and unpopular (as I did), and so they aren't used to dealing with "normies" on a regular basis. They may also have some kind of speech impediment, physical deformity, or ailment that keeps them from talking or playing with other kids from a very young age. These are formative years and many of the behaviors you'll see later in this piece are tied directly to a lesson not learned as a child. Many geeks have non-geeky parents who can't relate terribly well to their child, so they even feel isolated from their family. Really, geeks tend to get along almost exclusively with other geeks, and that's a major issue. Because it's a circle of introverted, insecure, socially-awkward people all seeing only other people like them as examples, they really don't have the opportunity to learn normal social behavior. In some ways, this is a tremendous blessing, and I think it's one of the reasons I spend so much time with other geeks. Normal people can be cruel, petty, hurtful, stupid, ignorant, insensitive, and generally just nasty, especially to those who are different. Some geeks pick up these habits (I wasn't as nice a person in high school as I would like to have been, looking back) but they are relatively few and far between. Most geeks are honest, forthright and kind. They don't have to spend their time vying for the cheerleaders' attention, so they can spend their time building solid, lifelong friendships instead. Another factor is that geeks tend to be intelligent, and intelligent people spend a lot of time in their own heads. They are happier curled up with a book, painting miniatures or playing computer games than they are mingling with drunken louts at a frat party. Spending time in your own head is a great way to develop your creativity and your imagination, but it's not a great way to learn the art of small talk, or how to flirt with a pretty girl (or boy).

One of the saddest facts of human behavior is that people who behave a particular way in order to get a certain response almost always get the exact opposite response, which simply drives them even more toward the problem behavior. For example, someone who is trying to impress you by telling you everything there is to know about clams wants you to think he's intelligent and interesting, but he will almost always come off as boring and lame. Most people will ignore or mock him, which just makes him try harder next time. Unfortunately, even giving him the response he really needs won't do much good for either of you, as it will likely just cause the guy to latch onto you as the only person who has ever appreciated him. Short of him recognizing the problem behavior and changing it, he has little hope of making serious progress with average people. Quite frankly, it also isn't your job to save these people from themselves. As much as I can understand why they act like this, it doesn't make me want to spend my time around them. If you're a geek and you've moved past these behaviors or avoided them entirely, good for you. That's the end of your responsibility. This guide is to help you deal with these people should you meet them in passing, and is not any kind of attempt to teach you how to "fix" them. I'll leave that to someone with proper licenses and certification.

Now, onto the archetypes.

The first archetype is the sarcasm-proof geek. They are extremely serious, and have an encyclopedic knowledge about something or other. If you make a joke, they are a) unlikely to realize that it is a joke and b) probably going to correct any number of mistaken assumptions your joke exhibits. They think that explaining how much more they know about the topic than you do will make you like them. They are wrong. I have met a great number of these geeks, and they are often combined with one of the other archetypes to form an entirely intolerable person. These geeks are, like most of the geek archetypes, trying to get attention and approval from their peers. They want you to say "Wow, I had no idea. Thank you for showing me the light. I will never make a joke about that topic again, because it is deadly serious and more important than life itself." Actually, you should try saying that to one of them. I'm curious about how they'll respond.

Suggested Interaction: Limited. They are missing the humor portion of their brain, and are uninteresting to talk to on any but the most technical levels. You can have fun with them by pushing their buttons. If you make an inappropriate joke and they get offended and tell you that they in fact have to deal with the object of the joke (a dead baby, for example) on a regular basis and that there's nothing funny about it, you can always just push forward. Ask for details and specific examples. Force them to talk about it and then make ever more inappropriate jokes until they leave or finally figure out that they need to lighten up. This could take days.

The second archetype is the chronic-illness geek. This geek will spend hours telling you about the various diseases, injuries and psychological problems they are suffering from. They will explain to you all of their symptoms, and the different doctors they had to go to in order to find out that nobody can figure out what's wrong with them. They are experts on all medications used to treat their diseases and are all too happy to suggest ointments, pills and holistic remedies that obviously haven't cured them. These geeks are desperate for attention (as are most of us geeks) and have decided that the pity you get for being unhealthy will serve. A scary thing indeed is when these geeks are also type six geeks and two of them try to "one-up" each other about how horrible their ailments are.

Suggested Interaction: Limited. You have to be a pretty slick talker to get them off the topic, and they will try to pull you back to it again and again. Another option (if you aren't averse to making a bit of a scene) is to say "Wow, your life must really suck. If I were that miserable all the time I would kill myself." Then sit back and watch them try to backpedal and assure you that really their life isn't that bad and they are happy and content, in direct contradiction of the previous 4 hours of complaining they've just done.

The third archetype is the used-to-be-cool geek. These are the 400-pounders who were prom queens and football stars. They're geeks, and they know they're not currently attractive, but they are very likely to tell you all about how much they used to be able to run and lift and jump and whatnot, until they developed this chronic injury/illness (see archetype 2). They are relatively harmless. If they are a combination of Types 2 and 3 or Types 3 and 4, they can be exceptionally annoying, but pure Type 3s are generally not too bad. Again, they are seeking attention and approval. Geeks often need affirmation from their friends or acquaintances, and many of their behaviors are geared toward this end.

Suggested Interaction: As long as you don't mind sitting through a short period of reminiscing on their part, and can avoid giving them opportunities to expand upon their stories, they can be perfectly cool people otherwise. If you don't mind a long walk down memory lane, they can actually be great conversationalists. They've probably told these stories a lot and are likely very good at it.

The fourth archetype is the badass geek. They probably have a black belt in some martial art or another, carry 16 knives strapped to their bodies, wear tactical clothing at least some of the time, and will most likely threaten people around them regularly. Many geeks will carry weapons but do not throw their weight around, and therefore they do not fall into this category. Type 4s are also very unlikely to be capable of hurting anything other than your hope for humanity. Many of them are very heavy, and/or have chronic illnesses and injuries that would make them a pitiful fighter in any real situation. This type is often combined with Type 2 and/or Type 3. They are trying to impress you, and to get your approval.

Suggested Interaction: Be nice, and ignore their threats as best you can. If they are excessive or overly annoying, you can always call their bluff. This assumes that you are at least willing and/or capable of defending yourself. I don't advise it in most situations, as it will probably make you look like a jerk, and could potentially get you in trouble with the law. A better solution is to call them on their bluff, but in a subtle way. If the person claims that they are going to "kick someone's ass" for some really lame reason, you can ask "Do you really think that's worth fighting over?" or "Wow, that's a little excessive, isn't it?" Sometimes, this can help them to see that they aren't impressing anyone, or at the very least it can shut them up. They aren't necessarily bad people, they just don't realize that they are making themselves look and sound like jerks.

The fifth archetype is the ugly slut type. These can be men or women, but they are more often female. They can be Type 3s who haven't realized that they're no longer young and attractive, or maybe they've never been attractive and they just found that many geeks don't care that much. In any case, they are the geeks who wear clothes they have no right to wear, will flirt with anything that gets too close, and talk about sexual things in inappropriate situations. Female Type 5s will often claim (or demonstrate) they are bisexual in an attempt to get attention from male geeks. Some will even go into sexual professions (dominatrices, specifically) and then talk about their experiences incessantly. These geeks, like most others, are trying to get attention and affection from their peers. Far too many geeks give it to them and perpetuate the cycle. These geeks are difficult to deal with because they can be very popular and have a lot of friends who are otherwise very cool people. Simply telling them they are disgusting can cause tension between you and their friends.

Suggested Interaction: Difficult. Even gently telling a Type 5 that you aren't interested is no guarantee that they will leave you alone. Being more forceful can easily hurt their feelings and they will undoubtedly tell their friends how much of a jerk you are. Saying something like "I'm married" or "I'm in a relationship" generally won't work either, as they often have it in their heads that this is simply an excuse. Your best bet is to avoid them as much as possible. Talk with them only when you must, and leave their company as quickly as you can. If you come up with a better strategy, please let me know.

The sixth archetype is the One-Up geek. They are always just a little bit smarter, better and faster than everyone around them, sometimes in obvious contradiction of reality. If you say you graduated high school with a 4.0, they graduated with a 4.25. If you had five girlfriends in high school, they had seven or eight. If you studied martial arts for three years, they studied for ten. You get the picture. As per usual, this is how they hope to gain attention. They think that by being better or more experienced at something, people will like them more. This is rarely the case. It's normally so obvious what they're doing that everyone just ignores them completely, which forces them to try even harder.

Suggested Interaction: Generally their claims will be things you can't disprove easily. There's not much you can do aside from ignoring them without digging yourself in deeper. Potentially, you can force them to dig so deep into a story that you can catch them in a contradiction or something, but you may just end up spending an hour listening to them blather on about how awesome they are. The main thing to remember is that they're lying to your face, and that isn't cool. They may be nice people in many other ways, but they're also willing to pull stories out of their butt to impress you, which doesn't generally belie much character. I have yet to meet one of these people who will ever admit to exaggerating except under the most ridiculous situations (claiming something when proof that it is false is easily at hand) and even then, they tend to crawfish a little and claim it's just a difference in degree or scope, not a full-on fabrication. In all, these people are best avoided or ignored.

The seventh archetype is the "All About Me" geek. There is no conversation that cannot spontaneously become about them. You're talking about Chinese tree squirrels? Well one time this geek went to a baseball game and caught a foul ball. No bearing on the current conversation? He doesn't give a damn. It has been nearly 30 seconds since someone paid attention to him and that is frankly unacceptable. Sometimes these geeks will try to steer the conversation toward a topic that relates to them, or they may make an attempt at a bridge between the two. Sometimes they really do have something meaningful to add, but it is almost always about how cool they are. These geeks are very common, and relatively harmless. They may attempt to hijack a conversation now and again but only the truly lost ones will really ruin your chance for a good time with a group of friends.

Suggested Interaction: As long as this type isn't combined with any other archetypes, their interjections may actually be kind of interesting, or may take the conversation in a new and acceptable direction. Because geeks are insecure, they want attention. What better way to get attention than to force everyone in the room to listen to you talk about yourself, right? This type has the potential to be innocuous or devastating depending on combinations of archetypes and the severity of their devotion to the cause. If they really do take this type to the maximum possible extent, it will be nearly impossible to accomplish anything around them. Believe me, there are people out there who will do this with a smile on their face. For these, there is very little to be done. Really letting them go by asking questions and acting interested can simply lead to them rambling for a very long time. Ignoring them completely will probably just make them louder. Acknowledging their contributions without egging them on is your best bet, and you may have to take it upon yourself to force the conversation back onto its original topic every so often.