Sort of BBQ

True barbecue involves smoke, I'm told. At least fire, maybe a grill. Certainly not a slow cooker. Right? Wrong, son! Well, actually, yes. You can't make real BBQ without leaving your kitchen, I'm thinking. But you can make some darn tasty food with very little fuss that will very nearly pass as BBQ among those who aren't too keen on semantics.

Let's get rolling! You're going to need a few things first. Some meat. I like pork, but you can use chicken or beef, too. You'll want about a pound of it, no bones. They sell a pork tenderloin wrapped in plastic at most grocery stores. That works well.

You need sauce, too. I like Sweet Baby Ray's Honey BBQ sauce, but you can use whatever you like.

I also like to pump some extra flavor into the mix with some hickory seasoning, some Lowry's seasoned salt, some brown sugar and some honey.

I have gone two ways with added liquid. Adding about half a can of chicken broth gives the pork something to stew in, but this baby is also going to give off a lot of moisture on its own. if you put too much liquid in there at the beginning, you end up with pork stew. Try it a few times with different amounts of liquid and see how you like it. I've found that the pork does just fine without any liquid, but it's up to you.

You also need a platform. I'm a big fan of those egg buns, but really any large-style hamburger bun will work. I like mine buttered and toasted under the broiler, but you can do what you will with them. Note that a thin layer of mayo or Miracle Whip on the bottom bun will keep it from getting overly soggy and will taste really freakin' good as a bonus.

You should be good! If you're getting the feeling that this will be a very sweet piece o' meat, you are correct, sir. I don't much go in for spice, and my tendencies in the BBQ realm show that loud and clear.

That's it for software. Hardware means a slow cooker of some sort. For the wife and me, I generally use our little one quart crock pot. It holds the one pound tenderloin with a little room for liquid and stuff, and just enough space left over to shred it all up when you're done. We get two meals out of it, generally. For more folks, you need a bigger cooker. Keep in mind that you want the cooker to be relatively full so you don't have a pile of meat sitting in the middle of a wide expanse of ceramic. If you can't eat enough pork to fill your cooker, just freeze some of it when you're done.

So here we go with the cooking. You need at least 4 hours from beginning to end with this, and preferably 8, so plan ahead. Take your pork out of the package and pull off any noticeable fat chunks. You can leave them on if you like, but I tend to pull mine off. If you're going to pour chicken broth in here, now's the time. With a 1 quart slow cooker, I don't use more than half a can. Now you can sprinkle on your seasonings. I go heavy with brown sugar, pretty light with the hickory and Lowry's, and reasonable on the honey. You're not aiming to cover every square inch of this thing, just get a little flavor in there for it to work on while it cooks. Put the lid on, and crank it all the way up to low (if you're cooking for 8 hours) or high (for 4 hours).

Let it sit for half the cook time (this can rather handily be done while you're at work in the morning, if you are lucky enough to be able to go home for lunch) then flip it over and hit the underside with the same spices and whatnot. If you can't do this, it isn't the end of the world. You can just hit both sides of the thing when you first put it in the cooker and get the same effect. I like the halfway check so I can make sure everything's looking good. Let it sit for the other half of the cook time.

Now you get to go Raphael on this little piggy with two forks. Shred it up into pretty small chunks. Remember you're putting it on a sandwich, so you don't want any pieces in there bigger than you'd want to bite into. I tend to shred mine up really well, to make it "smooth" or whatever. Now that it's shredded, you can bring in the sauce. Keep in mind that you've had this thing cooking for a while and it'll already have a lot of juice in it. You've also already got a fair amount of flavor in there from your seasonings. You want enough sauce to get your meat slippery (not like that, you dirty freak). Too little makes for a dry sandwich and too much makes for a drippy mess. Just add and stir until it looks like it'll hold together on a sandwich without dripping out the sides.

Let this sit for another 15-20 minutes while you get your buns ready (you really need to see a psychologist regarding all these inappropriate thoughts you're having about perfectly innocent recipe-speak). I like toasted bread, specifically buttery toasted bread. A little of your favorite butter-like substance (real butter is always a good choice in my book) on the top and bottom and a minute or so under the broiler (Never ever EVER leave these unattended. Tasty buttery bread turns to charcoal in no time at all under your broiler.) until they're tasty golden brown. Slather a little mayo or mayo-like substance on both sides and introduce the two pieces of bread to delicious pig filling. Enjoy!